


I Just Want You for My Own (More Than You Could Ever Know)

by coastalblue



Series: holidays! [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, ahh yes the fake relationship au no one asked for, and yeah title is mariah carey, but whos asking, its christmas yall, oh and they're in college, pining is fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21662905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coastalblue/pseuds/coastalblue
Summary: The fake relationship/holidays AU that no one asked for, but I'm writing anyway. Tobin and Christen head home to Tobin's for the holidays, but Tobin's family thinks they're together. You'll never guess what happens next.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Series: holidays! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561714
Comments: 3
Kudos: 302





	I Just Want You for My Own (More Than You Could Ever Know)

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy my holiday one shots, more to come:) 
> 
> (also i am SO aware that i messed up ages and stuff in this but hey its fiction innit)

“Yeah, Mom, of course I’m coming home for Christmas.” Tobin rolled her eyes and threw herself down on the couch next to Christen. “No, no, I’m fine, I’m doing really well, I promise, I-“ Christen raised her eyebrows at Tobin, who was still rolling her eyes, and silently hitting the couch in anger.

“No, Mom, I-“ She was cut off again. Christen could hear Cindy yelling on the other end. Ah, signature Cindy. From the little Christen knew about her she was very… particular, to say the least. Liked things a certain way. “Yeah, okay! Honestly, please leave me alone about this. I told you- okay, fine, yeah, I do. Yeah. What? No, she’s- Okay, yeah, sure, I’ll bring her. Okay, great, now that’s all sorted out, gotta go, bye!” Tobin’s voice was rushed, cracking at the end. Christen raised her eyebrows again, confused at her best friends conversation with her mom. She’d rarely heard Tobin sound so aggravated, especially over something that wasn’t organic chemistry.

“So, Tob, what’s that all about?” Christen asked, leaning on her side to face Tobin. Tobin turned to face her as well, pressing her face into the scratchy material of the dorm couch.

“God, Christen, I’m so fucked,” Tobin groaned, dramatically tossing her phone onto the carpet. The suite was empty besides for Tobin and Christen, their respective roommates out for the day.

“Care to explain, dude?” Christen asked, laughing at her friends theatrics.

Tobin stood up, pacing back and forth in front of the small couch. “My mom has been so on my case, about like, having a social life and shit. You know how she kept saying all I did was play soccer and get c’s?” Christen laughed and nodded, immediately covering her mouth and trying to remain serious. “Yeah, so she kept asking me if I was dating, if I had a girlfriend, which, like, hey, at least she’s cool with the whole lesbianism thing, but still, I obviously don’t have a girlfriend, but I may have told her I do, and now she wants me to bring her to Christmas, but, like, THERE IS NO “HER” so I’m fucked!” Tobin took a deep breath.

“Tobin, it’s not that deep. Just tell her your ‘girlfriend’ has to spend Christmas with her family like, you know, most college students do. That’s very believable,” Christen suggested. “Honestly, you’re overthinking this. Just relax.”

Tobin sat down on the floor, then laid down dramatically. She let out a loud, much louder than necessary, sigh. “I guess you’re right. I’ll… call her back later.”

Christen threw a pillow at Tobin, aiming at her stomach. “God, you’re so fucking dramatic sometimes! Get up asshole, we’re gonna be late for practice.” Tobin sighed again and stood up, dragging her feet behind Christen, who was carrying both of their soccer bags.

“Well, what are you doing for the break?” Tobin asked, holding the door open for Christen and grabbing the plastic bags they kept their boots in.

“Don’t know yet. Channing is… on her semester abroad, fucking England or Paris or something, and Tyler is going to her boyfriends. So, it might just be me. We’ll see,” Christen said, and Tobin couldn’t help but pick up the hint of sadness in her voice. She knew Christen was having a hard time with her sisters going off their own ways, and she’d been speaking to her parents less and less.

“Hope it works out.”

Christen frowned, annoyed at Tobin’s nonchalance. She was always like this, too chill and too relaxed. Or, she was entirely to dramatic and over-animated. Christen had never really seen a balance, but she’d seen the switch back and forth, much like now.

“Yeah, me too,” Christen grumbled.

Practice was hard, harder than usual. Dorance was working them hard in preparation for the break, even though their season was drawing to a close. When it was over, Christen’s lungs were screaming from breathing in the cold, nearly winter air. Tobin clapped her on the back as they walked to the car, Christen flinching. It was no secret she’d been a little… weird lately. Tobin had noticed, of course, she was chill, but she wasn’t stupid. She’d noticed Christen flinching when she touched her, shying away from physical contact. She’d noticed how distant she’d been, their time together rare, a striking contrast to how close they’d been for the past year and a half. Tobin sighed, opening the passenger side door for Christen to climb in. She’d blamed the distance on stress, and Christen’s constant worrying as of late.

“Chris, you good?” Tobin asked, placing her hand on Christen’s shoulder. Christen shook her head and leaned back in her seat.

“Great, Tob, I’m great,” Christen said, smiling softly at Tobin. “Let’s go home?” Tobin nodded and started the car.

Back in their dorm, Christen went straight to her room. Their suite was a pretty good set up, a living room, bathroom, and two small rooms, as well as a fairly nice sized closet by the front door. Tobin, Christen, and their roommates, Alyssa and Julie respectively, had really lucked out with their set up. The suite had been quiet for two days now, Alyssa and Julie deciding to take an impromptu girls weekend to the mountains. Much like Tobin and Christen, they’d hit it off as best friends, making the dynamic of the four girls easy and drama-free. 

“Chris, wait, wanna watch a movie or something?” Tobin asked, but Christen had already retreated into her room. So, Tobin took a hot shower, slowly regaining feeling in her fingers and toes. She tried to ignore the aching in her stomach, the confusion regarding her best friend. She just wanted her to be happy, just wanted her to be back to the Christen she’d met last year. It been about a month of her distant, jumpy persona, and Tobin was growing tired of it.

“Hey Tob, wanna order pizza?” Christen shouted, walking into the foggy bathroom, assuming since the door was open Tobin was decent. Tobin scrambled with her towel, trying to wrap it around herself as quick as possible, as to not make Christen uncomfortable. Christen on the other hand, tried to be subtle with her gaze, raking her eyes over Tobin’s body. She tried not to be creepy, averting her eyes until Tobin was covered with her towel. “Uh, sorry,” Christen muttered, turning around and slipping out of site.

“Wait!” Tobin shouted, running out of the bathroom, her legs still wet, dripping on the carpet. Christen was on the couch, staring at the wall. “Yeah, let’s order pizza!” Tobin said enthusiastically.

“Okay, what do you want?”

Tobin disappeared into her room, quickly changing into some sweats and a soccer warmup. “Uh, how about… Half cheese half pineapple?” Tobin called out from her room, drying her hair off and hanging her towel. She entered back into the living room, sitting down next to Christen on the couch.

“Sure, but you hate pineapple,” Christen reminded, leaning her head on Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin was surprised at Christen’s willing contact, but she welcomed it, wrapping her arm around Christen’s shoulder.

“Yeah, but it’s you’re favorite. And, we’ll do half and half,” Tobin said, taking Christen’s phone and ordering for her. “There we go. Movie?” Christen smiled and nodded, handing Tobin the remote. They put on a Christmas movie, only getting up to get the pizza when it arrived. God, Tobin was so confused by Christen. The hot and cold behavior getting exhausting, and she had no idea how to act anymore.

***

Christen hung up her phone, a blank expression on her face. She heard the door of their suite open and close, and the familiar sound of Tobin throwing her running shoes on the ground. She took a deep breath, knowing Tobin would be in her room in a moment or two. She was, just as Christen expected. Her skin was flushed pink from her run in the cold, shining with a light layer of sweat.

“Hey, you okay?” Tobin asked, taking in the blank expression on Christen’s face. She sat down on the bed next to her, remaining a safe distance away.

“No…” Christen whispered. “I don’t think so.” She stared at the ground in front of her, barely blinking, her breathing soft and slow. She reminded Tobin of a wax statue, frozen in one spot for eternity. She could tell Christen’s jaw was set tight, probably trying to keep from crying.

Tobin raised her eyebrows, worried. “What’s up, Chris?” It was like asking her was the last straw, all that was needed to send her over the edge. Christen’s face crumpled, and she burst into tears.

“M-my mom says, they’re going on a f-fucking, fucking cruise for Christmas. Since my sisters are gone they said, they said, said they wanted to take time off. As if they hadn’t had time off for the past two years we’ve all been gone!” Christen sobbed out, burying her face in her hands. Tobin was shocked that Christen’s parents would completely blow her off for Christmas, from what Christen had said about them it was very out of character.

Tobin wrapped her arms around Christen’s shoulders, pulling her into her chest.

“I’m so sorry, Chris. I’m so sorry,” Tobin whispered, unsure how to help her.

“They said I could come home anyway, but they would be gone the week of Christmas. I cant believe this.”

Tobin didn’t reply, just stroked Christen’s hair in a way she hoped was soothing.

“What do _you_ wanna do? Are you going to go back?”

Christen groaned, sitting up straight. “Fuck, I have no idea. I don’t wanna spend all that time alone. I guess I could pay the holiday fee and stay here,” Christen suggested, more to herself than Tobin. Tobin shook her head. An idea was forming. A stupid idea, but still, an idea.

Then again, most of her ideas were pretty stupid. Like her mom said, c’s and soccer.

“Um... you could come home with me,” Tobin suggested. Christen turned and looked at her, wiping away some tears.

“Thats so sweet, Tob, but if I come home with you won’t your mom think I’m....” She didn’t have to finish her sentence. Tobin was nodding slowly. She honestly couldn’t believe she’d suggested it, but it was out in the world now, and there was no taking it back.

“Yeah.... I mean obviously I could tell her you’re not, and you could come anyway, but if you’re down... It’d make my Christmas a lot easier, and honestly, there’s no one I’d rather spend break with than you.”

Christen blushed and looked down at her legs. She knew this was a bad idea. She knew absolutely nothing good could come out of this. (I mean, she’d seen cheesy movies before. She wasn’t _that_ much of a dumbass.) But, still, she needed somewhere to go, and honestly, spending the break with Tobin sounded like a dream. Back in Tobin’s hometown, away from the stress of school, and soccer, and all their other friends. Just the two of them. Well, and Tobin’s entire family, but still, the two of them. It would be fine. She just couldn’t get attached to the “fake dating” thing, and everything would be okay.

_Everything will be okay._

***

“I’m sorry, you’re doing what? You really think this is a good idea?” Julie asked, flopping back on her bed. She looked across the room at Christen, who was packing her suitcase.

“It’s gonna be fine, Jules. I know what I’m doing,” Christen said calmly.

“That’s exactly what someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing would say! I can’t believe you don’t see this! God, it’s like a low budget Hallmark movie!” Julie threw a pillow across the room, hitting Christen’s back. Christen whipped around to shoot her a glare, a ‘Christen Press is mad at You and will deal with this _later_ ’ kind of look.

Christen took a deep breath and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Julie, I know. I know this is a bad idea. But at the same time, I know what I’m doing. I’m aware. But, I don’t know where else to go. I’m not going home and spending a week alone waiting for my parents and… she’s my best friend, and… I’ll deal with my feelings.” She returned calmly to folding her clothes, placing shirts in her suitcase methodically.

“Okay, but let me get this straight: You’re acknowledging that, one, you have feelings for her, and two, this is a bad idea,” Julie said in one of those vaguely condescending tones.

Christen nodded, blowing out a long, low, breath. “Don’t keep making me say it, Jules,” Christen said in annoyance. “I get it, I get this is dumb, but she’s my best friend and I’m helping her out.”

Julie sighed. Her roommate hadn’t been capable of making good decisions regarding Tobin for the last few months. She was just thankful it hadn’t affected the team’s chemistry yet. With both girls being forwards, it could easily cause problems.

“I know what I’m doing,” Christen whispered again, more to herself than Julie.

_I know what I’m doing._

***

_Everything will be okay. I know what I’m doing._

“Chris! We’re gonna be late!” Christen threw the last few things in her backpack and ran into the living room.

“I’m here, Tob, let’s go,” Christen said, dragging her suitcase behind her. Tobin was nervously tapping their plane tickets against her knee, anxious to get to the airport. She glanced up at Christen, who was wearing….

“Is that my warmup?” Tobin asked, noticing the UNC soccer warmup that looked larger than the one she usually wore. Christen glanced down, realizing the name on the chest was ‘HEATH’ and not “PRESS’.

“Yeah, sorry. Guess the laundry got mixed up. I can change if you want me to,” Christen said, not wanting to at all.

Tobin stood up and slung her duffel over her shoulder, grabbing Christen’s suitcase as well. “No, it’s fine, we’re late anyway.”

Christen sighed and followed Tobin through the door and out of the dorm, where they met their uber.

Once inside, Tobin finally exhaled. She was much more stressed about going home than she’d expected to be, probably because she and Christen hadn’t spoken about the fake relationship idea yet. She needed to set rules, know what was happening. She didn’t want to push Christen too far, or scare her away. God knows she’d done enough of that lately.

_I’ll talk to her on the plane._

Once on the plane, after the stress of running through the airport and nearly missing their flight, Tobin finally turned to look at her best friend.

“Hey, Chris, can we talk about this?” Christen turned to face her, removing her headphones. She looked adorable, sunken into Tobin’s oversized warmup. Her cheeks were a bit flushed from the running, and her hair was thrown into a messy bun, curls springing loose.

Christen smiled and leaned forward. “Sure, about what?” She played dumb, needing to be sure of what Tobin was talking about. Of course, there wasn’t much else it could have been but… well, Christen was already worried enough.

“You… being… myfakegirlfrirendinfrontofmyparents?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Christen didn’t really think there was that much too it. She kinda just figured Tobin would introduce her as ‘Christen, my girlfriend,’ and that would be it.

“I mean, like, boundaries. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. But, I mean, we should probably be kinda… couple-y, I don’t know, around my family.” Christen nodded.

“You won’t make me uncomfortable, Tob, I trust you,” Christen promised, taking Tobin’s shaking hand. “I trust you.”

“Well, I mean, can I kiss you?” Christen drew in a sharp breath, she hadn’t been expecting Tobin to ask that. Not at all. Tobin pulled her hand away as if Christen was burning her. “I mean, not now, just like, if we need to? I’m sorry, I take it back, we don’t need to kiss, just ignore that.” Tobin looked down, her cheeks flushing pink. They were silent the rest of the flight. Christen was already terrified she’d messed up the best friendship in her life. Hell, the best relationship in her life.

***

When they got off the plane, Christen grew even more nervous. She followed Tobin to the baggage claim, Tobin carrying both their bags, as she always did. Christen didn’t notice half the time, she was so used to Tobin taking her bags for her.

“Thanks, Tob, you don’t always have to get my bags,” Christen said softly, placing her hand on Tobin’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I got it, it’s-“

“Tobin! Over here!” Both girls looked up, finding Tobin’s mom waving at them. Christen looked sideways at Tobin, taking a deep breath and holding out her hand. Tobin clasped it, squeezing tight.

“Ready?” Christen whispered, wishing Tobin would look at her. She just nodded, and continued walking.

“Hi Mom,” Tobin said loudly, walking towards the kind looking woman. Tobin dropped Christen’s hand to hug her mom. “Mom, this is Christen, my, uh, my girlfriend,” Tobin introduced. Cindy opened her arms, beckoning Christen in for a hug. She was warm and inviting, reminding Christen how much she missed her own mom. _Damn cruise._

“So you’re Tobin’s girlfriend, so good to meet you!” Christen smiled and nodded. She was well aware that she’d already sunken into her shell, the shy one she always formed around new people. In all honesty, it’d taken her about two months to warm up to Tobin and the rest of the soccer team. Admittedly she’d warmed up to Tobin much faster, but she’d still been on eggshells.

“You as well, Mrs. Heath!” Cindy turned around, guiding them out to where she’d parked.

“Oh, no, honey, please call me Cindy.”

“Okay,” Christen whispered, reaching out for Tobin’s hand again. She needed the comfort. Thankfully, Tobin took her hand with ease, gently rubbing the back with her thumb.

Tobin opened the car door for Christen, who climbed in the back. Tobin put their bags in next to her, and shut the door with a smile. Once they were on the road, Cindy started asking questions.

“So, how’d you guys meet?”

It was at this point that both girls realized they hadn’t agreed on a meeting story, or story of how their relationship started. It was becoming clear that maybe, just maybe, they should have actually talked through the whole idea. Not wanting to mess up, Christen stayed silent.

“Oh, Chris is my suite mate. We met last year on the soccer team, but, uh, only got together a little while ago,” Tobin explained, keeping her eyes straight forward on the road.

“Oh! Christen, Christen Press?” Cindy asked, coming to realization. “The best friend Christen Press?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s me!” Christen leaned forward between the seats, tilting her head to rest on Tobin’s arm. She swore she felt Tobin tense up underneath her, so she pulled away and leaned back in her seat.

“So, can I ask, how’d you get together? I know you’ve been friends for a while…” Cindy pressed, Tobin sighing in what seemed like annoyance. Christen had no idea what to say, they hadn’t talked about what they’d tell people. They hadn’t talked about any of this, both of them deciding it would be too awkward. Maybe they should have, because Tobin wasn’t saying anything and God knows Christen wasn’t about to.

Finally Tobin spoke up. “Uh, well, you know, I liked her for a while, and I was so obvious, wasn’t I, Chris?” Tobin turned in her seat to face Christen, her face begging.

“Uh, yeah, she wasn’t subtle at all…” Christen agreed, afraid to add anything else. She’d let Tobin make the story, and just add on when needed.

“Yeah, so, like, I just, one day after practice, we were kicking the ball around and…. I dunno, just happened,” Tobin said, honestly one of the worst made up on the spot lies Christen had ever heard. Where were Tobin’s theatrics when they needed them? 

“Well that’s very sweet, I’m glad you’ve finally found someone, Tobs.”

***

Tobin’s house was homey. Small, but homey. It smelled of gingerbread and evergreen, and was lit up with twinkle lights on the outside, and candles on the inside. Tobin lead her inside and up to her room so they could put their bags away.

“Christen? You okay?”

Christen turned around to see Tobin looking at her expectantly. Her brow was furrowed, her eyes asking if Christen was okay. She was leaning back on her desk, biceps flexing. (And Christen _did not_ stare. _Did not._ )

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Traveling just wears me out. Are you okay?” Tobin nodded and reached out her hand, eyes begging Christen to take it. Christen smiled shyly before holding her hand out.

“They get sweaty when I’m nervous, I’m sorry…” Christen whispered nervously, taking her hand back and wiping it on her jeans before shakily extending it to Tobin. Tobin laughed and took her hand, pressing a kiss to the back. Christen was sure she was blushing like crazy, her face was always betraying her these days.

“I’m nervous too, C. Just gimme a squeeze if you’re freaking out.”

Christen nodded and followed Tobin down the stairs, never letting go of her hand.

In the kitchen, Christen realized she’d forgotten how many siblings Tobin had. Well, it was just one more than her, but Perry and Katie both husbands, Perry had a baby, and Jeff was bringing his girlfriend, and it was just so much more than Christen was used to. Katie and Perry were sitting in the living room, Perry bouncing her baby, and chatting about… wine, or something else adult-y. Taxes, maybe.

“Hey guys,” Tobin said, barely getting the words out before her sisters pounced.

“Tobin!” Perry yelled, both her and Katie springing up to hug her. Tobin dropped Christen’s hand to greet her sisters and nephew, leaving Christen standing awkwardly behind her. “It’s so good to see you!”

Katie barely even acknowledged her sister, all but pushing her aside to see Christen. Her demeanor reminded Christen of Tyler, she had the same excitement and welcoming vibes about her.

“Hi, you must be Christen? I’m Katie, it’s so nice to meet you.”

Christen smiled and reached her hand out to shake, Katie ignoring her and pulling her in for a hug instead.

“Oh, yeah, guys, this is my girlfriend Christen,” Tobin introduced, pulling Christen in by the waist, a touch that made Christen shiver.

_Oh, thats new._

Christen smiled and waved shyly, unsure where her words had gone, she’d lost them somewhere in her shy-shell. She chewed on her lip instead, a habit she picked up whenever she was especially stressed. 

“And this,” Tobin said, holding out her arms for the tiny baby Perry was holding. “This is Jack, sweetest little guy ever. Jack, this is Christen,” Tobin said in a baby voice, balancing the baby on her hip.

It was at this point that Christen realized just how completely _fucked_ she really was. Tobin holding her baby nephew was just too much, it was too cute.

“How old is he?” Christen asked, turning to face Perry. She vaguely remembered Tobin mentioning the birth of her nephew, but things had been such a whirlwind lately she had no concept of how long ago that had been.

Perry smiled softly. “Four months tomorrow.” She reached out and brushed some of the fluffy hair on her sons head, the baby cooing and leaning on Tobin’s shoulder.

“He’s the cutest,” Christen remarked softly.

(If she was being completely honest, Jack had nothing on Tobin.)

***

The chatter at the dinner table was loud, louder than Christen had expected. Jeff and his girlfriend, a kind woman named Eleanor, had arrived about an hour ago, adding to the commotion in the small house. The family was now seated for dinner, everyone crammed around the table which was really meant for half as many people.

“So,” Tobin’s father began, “Eleanor, are you staying with us for the holidays? Jeff was unclear.”

Eleanor shook her head, swallowing her food before speaking. “Oh, no. My family lives an hour away, I’m leaving tomorrow,” she explained. At some point, Eleanor had explained that she and Jeff met in chemistry, and hit it off from there. Christen was comforted by her presence, someone so close in age and obviously just as nervous. However, Eleanor was much better at talking than she was. That, and she was much more convincing as a girlfriend. Probably because she was… But Christen was trying.

“And Christen? Your family not holiday people?” Christen swallowed nervously, hating that the conversation had turned to her. She wished Tobin could answer this one for her.

“Uh, usually they are, but my sisters weren’t coming home this year and my parents decided to take a cruise, so I guess you could say we’re taking this year off. Oh, and, thank you so much for having me by the way, I really wasn’t sure where I’d go,” Christen said, trying to remain light, but she knew Tobin had caught the sadness in her voice, as she’d placed a hand on Christen’s thigh. Without thinking, Christen covered it with her own, turning Tobin’s hand over so she could hold it. She was somewhat aware that she could be pushing boundaries, but Tobin wasn’t stopping her, and it just felt so natural.

Since Tobin had obviously never mentioned Christen as her girlfriend until about a week ago, her family had questions. Katie wanted to know if Tobin took her on nice dates. Jeff whispered something about sex, which _everyone_ chose to ignore. Perry wanted to know how they’d met.

“Soccer,” Christen explained. “We met freshman year on the team, and this year we’re suite mates.” Tobin nodded in agreement, not bothering to elaborate.

Cindy piped up next, still wanting the full story. “How’d you get together?” Tobin cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable.

“I told you in the car. Just kinda happened.”

Her tone made it clear that she wouldn’t be answering anymore questions, Cindy thankfully catching the hint. She moved on to asking Perry and her husband about Jack. Tobin leaned over and whispered, just loud enough for Christen to hear, “I’m sorry, you don’t need to answer anything if you don’t want.” Christen nodded, words hard to find at the moment. God, three hours in the Heath household and she’d forgotten how to function.

After dinner, Perry and her husband excused themselves for the night. Because of the baby, they’d opted to stay in a hotel instead of the crowded home.

“Tobin, would you drive them, please?” Cindy asked as she cleared the table. Tobin looked up, confused. “They didn’t get a rental car at the airport and we need both cars tomorrow. Please just give them a ride?” Tobin looked frantically at Christen, who’d begun to help clear the table. Christen nodded, waving her hand dismissively. ‘Go,’ she mouthed, letting Tobin know she’d be just fine.

After Tobin, however reluctantly, left, Christen stayed behind to help Cindy clean the kitchen. Of course, like a mother would, Cindy took the opportunity to grill her.

“So, how’s Tobin, really?”

Christen smiled and dried a serving platter, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “She’s good. Uh, soccer is great, obviously, and she’s doing better in classes, and-“

“No, no. I know all that. How _is_ she?”

_Oh._

“Oh! Yeah, she’s good…” It was at this point Christen realized she was going to have to talk about whatever relationship they had, Cindy wasn’t going to leave empty handed. “We’re really happy. She’s a great girlfriend, I’m really lucky to have her,” Christen said, the word ‘girlfriend’ rolling off her tongue so easily, like she’d said it a million times before.

(Well, maybe she had. Maybe she said it in her mind every time she thought about Tobin. Maybe.)

Cindy smiled, looking satisfied. “That’s good to hear. I always worried she wouldn’t be a very good girlfriend…”

Christen laughed lightly, amused at how willing Cindy was to gossip about her daughter. Stacy might have ditched on Christmas, but she knew her mother would never gossip about her. “No, she’s great. It’s clear she really cares about my feelings. She makes me laugh more than anyone else, I mean, goes out of her way to make me laugh, especially if she knows I’m down. And on the field, she’s so supportive and encouraging, she makes me a better player. She…” Christen trailed off, realizing she’d said more than she needed too. Cindy was smiling, obviously happy for her daughter.

“Well, I can tell you really like her,” she said, turning back to the sink.

_God, you have no idea._

Tobin got back home about twenty minutes later, as Cindy and Christen were finishing up the dishes. In the living room, Katie and her husband were finding a movie for the family to watch. Jeff and Eleanor had left to go to a party with some of Jeff’s old high school friends, leaving the house significantly quieter. Tobin tugged Christen out of the kitchen, pulling her into the hallway.

“You okay?” She whispered, shuffling her feet nervously. “Any interrogating?”

Christen laughed, leaning back against the wall casually. “A little. But I’m fine. Can we go watch whatever they’re putting on? I’m exhausted.”

Tobin laughed and nodded, heading into the living room. She sat down on the couch, gesturing for Christen to sit down next to her. “C’mere,” she whispered, opening her arm so Christen could lean in next to her. Christen paused, unsure whether she should comply or not. Her body wanted nothing more, but her mind was freaking out. She didn’t want to make a scene, and Elf was already playing, so she cuddled into Tobin’s side, laying her head on her shoulder and wrapping an arm around her waist. She tried and failed to ignore the way Tobin stroked her shoulder ever so gently throughout the movie. She was so tired, from stress and travel, and Tobin was so soft and warm, falling asleep was inevitable.

Neither girl could ignore just how _right_ their bodies felt together.

When she woke up, it was because Tobin was shifting underneath her. “Chris, movies over. Let’s go to bed, yeah?” Christen nodded and stood up wordlessly, rubbing her eyes as Tobin said goodnight to her family.

“Wait, am I sleeping with you?” Christen whispered, unsure what she wanted the answer to be.

Tobin nodded, placing her hand on Christen’s lower back to steady the clearly shaky girl, still waking up from her nap. “Yeah, if that’s okay with you? If not, I’ll sleep on the couch, yeah? We just don’t have a guest room, too many kids,” Tobin explained, guiding Christen out of the living room and towards the stairs.

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I was just wondering. Your parents are cool with that?”

Tobin opened the door to her room and shrugged. “I guess they kinda have to, no other rooms to spare. Just be glad I don’t have a twin bed, like Jeff,” she joked, earning a laugh from Christen.

The girls completed their bedtime routines in silence, working around each other in the same smooth and practiced manner as they did back home. When it came time to get in bed, Christen felt herself growing awkward, but at the same time, she was just too tired to care. While Tobin watered her plants, who knew she even had plants, Christen climbed in bed and tucked herself under the covers. By the time Tobin got in with her, she was basically already asleep.

“Hey, thanks, Chris. You’re the greatest,” Tobin whispered, snuggling down into her bed.

Christen smiled, reaching out and patting Tobin on the head. “No, you’re the best.” Tobin giggled at the way Christen patted her, as if she was a dog or a small child.

“Goodnight, Christen.”

***

Christen woke up alone. She found herself immediately extending her hand to feel for Tobin, her heart sinking just a little when she realized Tobin wasn’t there. Of course, every possibility of why Tobin wasn’t there ran through her head, from discomfort to disgust. She groggily searched for her phone, which she found at the end of the bed.

TPH: mom and i went to the store. if you’re up before were back, make yourself at home.

(received 7:49)

Julie J: have things blown up in your face yet?

(received 9:12)

Mom: Good morning honey! Hope you made it to NJ safely.

(received 10:15)

Christen rubbed her eyes, sitting up with a start when she realized how late it was, almost ten-thirty. She grabbed a sweatshirt off the floor and threw her hair into a bun before heading downstairs. Tobin was sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. Her father was flipping pancakes at the stove, the rest of the family chatting in the living room. Tobin looked up to see Christen, smiling at her soft, barely awake appearance. She’d always thought morning Christen was one of the most beautiful versions of Christen.

(Not like she was keeping track, or anything. Or had a definitive list. Not like that or anything.)

Tobin set down her coffee and extended her arm, waving for Christen to come closer. “Morning, Chris,” Tobin said through a wide grin. Christen rolled her eyes and sat down on the stool next to Tobin, stealing her coffee cup and taking a sip. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, sorry I slept so late…”

Tobin laughed, getting up to pour Christen her own cup. Of course she knew exactly how Christen wanted it, and that wasn’t anything new, but it still made Christen’s heart beat a little bit faster. Tobin placed the cup next to Christen, and without thinking, pressed a soft kiss to Christen’s cheek. It’d just felt like the natural thing to do, like her body did it without thinking. Christen froze under the touch. She worried Tobin would feel the heat on her cheeks, that she would give herself away. She may not have felt the heat, but she felt Christen flinch.

Afterwards, they both moved in an awkward shuffle, Tobin realizing what she’d done and trying to act natural in front of her dad, while simultaneously apologize to Christen, who was bright red and hadn’t said anything. Christen looked down at her coffee, avoiding eye contact.

“Pancakes, Christen?” Christen looked up to see Jeff holding out a plate of pancakes.

“Uh, yes, thanks,” Christen stuttered, accepting the plate.

“Enjoy. Tobin, come help me shovel snow in a few minutes? The driveway is a sheet of ice,” Jeff said, putting on his coat and picking up a bag of rock salt from beside the back door. Tobin nodded wordlessly, watching as he left. Once alone, she turned to Christen.

“Chris, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you, like, uncomfortable, I honestly don’t know what came over me I just, it just felt like the thing to do, but-“

“T, calm down,” Christen cut her off. “It’s okay. I was just surprised, that’s all.” Tobin nodded, avoiding eye contact. Christen reached out and took her chin between her fingers, tilting Tobin’s head up to look at her. “It’s okay. I love you, and I trust you. Just do what feels natural, I’ll stop you if I need to. Okay?”

Tobin nodded. “Same for you, okay? I can tell you’re anxious, you’re all stiff. Relax, yeah?”

“When have I ever relaxed willingly? Do you even know me at all, Tob?” Christen joked, pinching Tobin’s cheek. Tobin rolled her eyes, and wrapped Christen up in a hug.

“Okay, I’m gonna go… shovel snow, or whatever.”

“Have fun, I’ll be here… warm, eating pancakes, drinking coffee,” Christen teased, laughing as Tobin grumbled through putting on her coat and boots.

She tucked back into her pancakes, heart still beating fast.

_God, I am so, so, fucked._

***

The next day, Cindy informed Tobin and Christen that they were both invited to the neighborhood Christmas party. Tobin shrugged, looking to Christen for approval.

“Sure,” Christen said. “Sound’s like fun.”

So, now, Tobin and Christen were in Tobin’s room, dancing to obnoxiously loud Christmas music while they got ready for the party. Well, Tobin was dancing, Christen was trying to focus on curling her hair. “Tobin, hand me that hairspray, please?”

Tobin didn’t hear her over the music and kept dancing, lip syncing to Mariah Carey. Christen watched her in the mirror, unable to keep herself from laughing. “Tobin,” she said again, louder. Tobin looked up, walking over to stand next to her, wrapping her arms around Christen’s shoulders to hug her from behind. Tobin had always been a touchy person, this was nothing new, but it felt new.

“Babe, you’re messing up my hair,” Christen whined, wriggling out of Tobin’s grasp. “Hand me that hairspray, please?” The word slipped out of her mouth before she noticed it, and she tried to act as if nothing had happened. Tobin noticed, of course she did, but didn’t say anything, just handed Christen the hairspray. Christen was flushed red, as she had come accustom to being.

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go!” Christen chirped, grabbing her coat and slipping into her boots. Tobin smiled, trying to be subtle as she checked Christen out, eyes glazing over her dress, which was tight, tighter than Tobin was prepared for. She looked…. _Hot._

“Yeah!” She paused for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. “You look beautiful,” she said softly, opening the door of her room and following Christen out.

Christen smiled and looked at the ground. “Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,” she whispered, glancing up and down at Tobin’s tight jeans, deep v-neck, and signature leather jacket. She was, as always, unfairly attractive.

Downstairs, the rest of Tobin’s family, save for Perry and her crew, were waiting to go down the street to the party.

“Well don’t you two look amazing,” Cindy remarked. “What a lovely couple.”

Both girls blushed, Tobin taking Christen’s hand in hers, rubbing the back with her thumb.

The walk to the party was short, just down the street from Tobin’s house. The snow crunched beneath their boots, and the moon cast a glow on the street. Christen found herself colder than she’d expected, the Jersey chill seeping into her bones. Tobin felt her shiver, and pulled her in close, wrapping her arm around Christen’s cold shoulders. She stayed that way until they arrived at the party, at which point she took Christen’s hand again, giving her a tight squeeze before they entered. The party was loud, much busier than Christen expected. Tobin explained that it was a neighborhood tradition, and they’d been going since she was a kid.

“Can I hang your coat for you?” Tobin asked, helping Christen out of her coat for no other reason than to be close to her. Christen nodded shyly, smiling at Tobin. “Let’s go into the kitchen, I want a drink…” Tobin said, guiding Christen into the kitchen, which was buzzing with voices and laughter.

“Oh! Here they are! Tobin, honey, come introduce Christen to my book club ladies,” Cindy shouted from across the room, waving Tobin and Christen over. Tobin laughed and moved her hand to Christen’s lower back, rubbing gently.

The women clamored over Tobin, commenting on how much she’d grown, how beautiful she was. Tobin just smiled and nodded, hugging each of them quickly. “Uh, this is Christen, my girlfriend. She goes to school with me, we’re on the soccer team together,” Tobin said, her hand returning to Christen’s back.

“Oh, Christen! Aren’t you just beautiful! Tobin is a very lucky girl, isn’t she,” one of the women exclaimed, placing her hands on Christen’s cheeks. Christen was a bit taken aback, overwhelmed by the excited women.

“Chris, this is Evelyn, Corrine, Sandy, and Abigail. They’re in my moms book club.”

“It’s so nice to meet you all,” Christen said, finally finding her voice. She found herself losing it around Tobin more often than she’d expected. Christen extended her hand to shake with each of the women, all of them making her feel warm and welcomed. To be fair, she’d always gotten along very well with older folks.

“These ladies have known me since I was a baby,” Tobin whispered, Christen nodding in understanding. So, they were probably going to interrogate her just like Cindy. “I’m gonna go get a drink, you good?” Christen nodded again, waving her off. The women had invited her to come sit in the living room, where she had a feeling she was about to get to know them better. Or, rather, they were about to get to know her better.

“So, Christen, you play soccer with Tobin?” One of them, who she thought was Evelyn, asked.

Christen nodded, brushing her hair behind her ears nervously. “Yeah, I do. We’re both forwards, we have a lot of fun together,” she explained, trying to stay away from getting too soccer-y. People generally didn’t really care all that much when they asked her about soccer. It was usually just to be polite.

“Oh, my kids used to play soccer with Tobin,” Corrine piped up. “They never stood a chance, those poor babies. She’s always been so talented.”

Christen smiled, sure her face was glowing at this point. She loved talking about Tobin. “Yeah, she’s incredible. I’d probably hate her if she wasn’t on my team,” Christen joked, beginning to feel a little more comfortable.

Evelyn piped up again, “And you live together?”

“Yeah, we’re suite mates. We each have our own roommates but we’re in the same suite,” Christen explained, glancing over he shoulder to see if Tobin was on her way. She wasn’t, she was in the kitchen talking to a girl who looked close to their age. Christen tried not to frown, annoyed at how close Tobin was standing to her. She wanted to go over to her, take hold of her shoulders and kiss her, show whoever this girl was that Tobin was taken. But, she wasn’t, Christen reminded herself. Tobin wasn’t taken, it was just for show, Christen had no real claim over her. She swallowed hard and turned back to the women. She knew one of them had said something to her, but she hadn’t heard, too busy being jealous. “Hmm? I’m sorry?”

“Oh, I asked if she makes you happy,” one of the women, maybe Sandy, asked.

_Well, gosh, that’s loaded. Is it normal for random women to ask me this? Are they planted actors?_

Christen smiled, trying to remain generally calm. “Yeah, so happy. She’s so important to me, you know?”

All of the women nodded, looking at Christen like she was the cutest thing in the world. Tobin appeared behind her, handing her a solo cup of… something. She perched on the arm of the chair next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Are you getting grilled, babe?” Tobin asked, smiling politely at the women. Christen could tell they had a close relationship, like they were her aunts. The women laughed lightly, waving Tobin off.

“No, not at all,” Christen said softly, leaning her head on Tobin’s shoulder. Whatever girl Tobin had been talking too was out of sight, but Christen still felt uneasy. She knew she didn’t have any real right to, but she did anyway.

“I’m gonna steal her for a minute,” Tobin said, standing up and taking Christen’s hand, dragging her to the hallway. Christen glanced over her shoulder to see the book club ladies wave at her before joining the rest of the party.

The hallway Tobin took her to was empty, a nice break from the noise.

“What’s up, Tob?” Christen asked, leaning back against the wall. Tobin seemed a little worried, preoccupied by something.

“Yeah, no, all good. Just… wanted to get out for a second. Started getting to loud. You doing okay? Did they make you uncomfortable or anything?”

Christen could sense Tobin’s anxious energy, it was practically radiating off of her. She had no idea why, typically Christen was the more anxious out of the two. “No, it was totally fine, they’re really sweet. I’m a little worried about you, though,” Christen said, placing a hand on Tobin’s shoulder. “Who were you talking too?” Christen asked, trying to sound casual.

“Oh, my old friend from high school. She lives down the street,” Tobin explained, glancing down the hall anxiously. “She, uh, actually asked me about you. Said you were cute… wanted to know if you were single,” Tobin said, her voice growing quiet.

Christen smiled, wondering if those were notes of jealousy she was hearing in Tobin’s voice. “And what’d you say?”

Tobin leaned her head back, rolling her eyes and groaning. “I told her very, very kindly to back down. Told her you were taken, but, I mean, you’re not… so, figured I’d see if you were interested…”

“Tobin, in what world? When would I see her?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Felt like I needed to ask…” Tobin trailed off, and Christen could tell she was blushing, even in the dim light. In a moment of bravery, she leaned forward and kissed Tobin’s cheek. She was fully aware that there was no one around them, and no need for her to do this, but still, it just felt right. When she pulled back, Tobin’s eyes were closed, as if she was thinking. (She was, thinking about just how far gone she was, just how deeply in love she’d somehow fallen.)

“Tobin?” Christen asked softly, scared she’d pushed too far. Tobin opened her eyes, finally looking at Christen and smiling gently.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m all good. Honestly just don’t like these parties too much, you know?”

Christen nodded, placing her hand on Tobin’s cheek. Tobin had never liked parties much, even at school she almost always stayed home when Alyssa, Julie, and Christen went out.

“You wanna go home?” Christen asked, placing her other hand on Tobin’s waist. She wasn’t stupid, she was well aware that they’d crossed a line some time ago. She knew their behavior was not that of friends, or even their weird situation of friends pretending to be more. She knew, and she was pretty sure Tobin knew as well. It was just a matter of which one addressed it first.

Tobin smiled, tucking a curl behind Christen’s ear. “Yeah, that sound’s really good. Lemme go tell my mom, will you get our coats?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right here.”

Christen found their coats in the closet, pulling on her own. Tobin returned a few minutes later, holding a box of cookies. “My mom said if I’m ‘leaving a party after five minutes to go hang out with my girlfriend’ I have to bring cookies, none of it made much sense but whatever. We’ve got cookies, now,” Tobin explained with a shrug, handing the box to Christen in exchange for her coat.

“Could be worse.”

They didn’t speak the entire walk home. In Tobin’s house, Christen went upstairs to change clothes, Tobin telling her she would put on a movie and order pizza. In Tobin’s room, behind the closed door, Christen hid her face in her hands. She knew she’d changed things. To be fair, Tobin had too. All she knew was she was freaking out, and she wasn’t going to make it through the rest of this trip. Not without telling Tobin how she really felt, even if it ended in shit.

But something told her it would be okay.

She changed into sweats and a tee shirt before heading downstairs, where Tobin was making hot chocolate in the kitchen. She was softly humming some song Christen didn’t quite recognize. Christen leaned against the door and watched as she moved, took in the gentle curves and edges of Tobin’s body, the way her clothes clung to her so perfectly. Tobin turned around and smiled at her, handing out a mug.

“You look cozy,” she remarked, walking past Christen into the living room. She’d cued up some old Christmas movie, the claymation kind both girls had loved as kids. Christen followed her, sitting down on the couch, careful to keep space between them.

Tobin set down her phone, pressing play on the movie and opening her arm to Christen, gesturing for her to come closer. “C’mere,” Tobin said, expecting Christen to curl up in the space next to her as they’d grown used to.

Christen shook her head and looked down at her hands. Whatever she was doing, whatever Tobin was doing, it wasn’t fair anymore. For some reason, tonight had been the last straw. Kissing her cheek when nobody was around, and there was no good reason for her to do so, Christen knew she couldn’t keep it up anymore. She was far too infatuated with the girl in front of her, and going on pretending it was all for show was going to kill her in the next few days.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered.

“What do you mean?” Tobin’s voice was worried, she sounded almost terrified. “Chris, what’s wrong?”

Christen wiped a small tear from under her eye before speaking. “It’s not pretend anymore. It never was,” she whispered, almost too quiet for Tobin to hear. To be honest, a small part of her hoped Tobin wouldn’t hear her.

“Oh,” was all Tobin said in response. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, T, I never should have agreed to do this. It’s not fair to you, and honestly it wasn’t fair to me either. And I know telling you this is gonna fuck a lot of stuff up, but on the off chance you might feel the same, I had to. I just couldn’t pretend anymore. It felt wrong,” Christen explained, tears now falling for real.

The next thing Christen was aware of was Tobin wrapping her up in a tight hug, holding on as tight as she could.

“Chris, don’t cry, baby please don’t cry,” Tobin whispered, rubbing up and down Christen’s back before pulling away. “Look at me,” she instructed.

Christen looked up, watery green eyes meeting shining brown eyes.

“Chris, lemme get this right, you like me? As in, like romantically like me?” Tobin asked, and Christen nodded, barely moving her head. “Chris, don’t cry, it’s okay.”

Christen rolled her eyes, growing annoyed. “Of course you say that, I probably just ruined our friendship.”

“Oh, my god. You’re so dramatic. Chris, I thought it was pretty obvious that I liked you. But before this, you were being all… weird, I dunno. So I thought you didn’t like me at all,” Tobin explained, taking both of Christen’s hands into her own.

“What?” Christen asked, bewildered. Of course, some small part of her had known this was a possibility, especially with how Tobin had been acting the past few days, but she hadn’t wanted to get her hopes up. Now, she couldn’t totally comprehend what she’d heard.

“Chris, I like you. A lot. And honestly this whole fake dating thing was completely unnecessary, my mom would have let it go if I told her my ‘girlfriend’ couldn’t have come, I honestly just did this to spend more time with you. And I hope you don’t think that’s creepy or anything, because it kinda is, but-“ Tobin was rambling now, so Christen cut her off.

“Tobin, shut up,” she whispered before leaning forward and kissing her. It didn’t take Tobin anytime to respond, her hands flying to Christen’s cheeks, pulling her in closer. Christen wrapped her arms around Tobin’s shoulders and leaned her body in closer, leaning on Tobin. The kiss was soft and gentle, neither of them pushing any further than they needed to. It was sweet, slow, clearly full of emotion and unsaid words. Christen pressed their lips together gently, once more before pulling away to look at Tobin.

“Hi,” Christen whispered, unsure what to say next. Tobin laughed softly and leaned back in, kissing Christen again, short and sweet before pulling back to look at Christen again.

“You’re so cute,” Tobin whispered, running her thumb over Christen’s bottom lip. “This might be a dumb question, but will you go on a date with me?”

Christen giggled and rested her head on Tobin’s shoulder. “Yeah, of course, just say when,” she whispered.

“Gosh, my mom would be so proud of me,” Tobin joked, leaning back on the couch and gently dragging Christen to lay against her. “Got myself a real girlfriend.”

Christen leaned up to look skeptically at her favorite person. “Girlfriend? Take me on a date first, we’ll see what happens.”

Tobin rolled her eyes and pinched Christen’s side. “Alright, alright. If I have too…”

The lights from the Christmas tree illuminated Tobin’s features, casting shadows from her eyelashes onto her cheeks. She looked exceptionally beautiful, as always. Christen smiled and kissed Tobin’s jaw, wrapping her arm around Tobin’s waist.

“I can’t wait, Tob,” she whispered.

That night they fell asleep on the couch, with the movie playing softly in the background. When Jeff and Cindy came home, they smiled fondly at their daughter and Christen, cuddled up together on the couch.

“I’m so glad she’s happy,” Cindy whispered, covering the girls with a blanket. “Christen is such a sweet girl, isn’t she?”

“Very. Seems like a good girl for our Tobin,” Jeff agreed, turning off the tv. Jeff and Cindy left, turning off the hallway light and leaving the girls cuddled up in the living room.

Christen, always the light sleeper, stirred awake at the sound of Tobin’s family returning. The time on the clock below the television blinked bright green, displaying 12:13. Christen smiled and shifted, leaning up from where she was laying on Tobin’s chest to kiss her cheek.

“Merry Christmas, Tobin,” Christen whispered to the sleeping girl, laying back down on her chest and falling asleep once more.

Miles away from home, without her family, she thought she wouldn’t have been able to enjoy Christmas. But this may have been one of her favorites yet.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr @sonny-flowerr..... thanks for reading!


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